Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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