i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
