No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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