i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
