my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
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