pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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