Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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