yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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