Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
