is your mom at the bar?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
