My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
