we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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