my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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