final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Randomize
