I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
