There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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