Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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