An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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