Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
