I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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