You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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