new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
