when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
