i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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