Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
