yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
