what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
