My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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