he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
