Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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