I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
