i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
