yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
