The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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