I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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