Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
don't judge my taste in strippers
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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