if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
