the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
