I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
