the new term for farting is butt boxing.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Come share oat with me in your robe
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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