She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize