I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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