Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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