end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
