I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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