Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
