i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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