How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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