He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
