He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
