I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
