Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
