Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
