There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
