Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
