i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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