I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
