my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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