WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
