I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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