he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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