I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
