Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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